The Putrid Mist

Posted on October 5, 2014
* Disclaimer: Rant/Free Association, may not have continuity

It has been a long while that I have reflected back on things, at least to make a few realizations. It has been a hectic last year, filled with plenty of things to learn and things to explore. And even though I end up meeting new people, new ideas, new concepts. Some things remains the same. There’s just this thing that fills the air.

And yet people flock by, and walk by smiling, one would wonder if they lost their sense of smell, or perhaps they think its part of the props? Maybe they got used to the masks and the dancing. Maybe they got used to the play. Or perhaps my perception is flawed..

The worlds I discovered in friends have all collapsed, lost to memories. The close friends I had 2-3 years ago have all gone their way either peacefully or harmfully. My mentors are mostly either dead or exiled. Some memories are just too rancid. Some serene. Memories are bittersweet. 5 years after setting into my journey to discover the potential of people, and while I found some wonderful results I have maybe become a lot sadder.

Forgetting how to dance to the choreography of the world, I think I can no longer join ballrooms and festivities. People walk by, impossible to talk to. While I have to see the suffering of those I don’t know. People locked up in the dungeons of the castle while others just laugh and drink. Distractions, that’s all there is.. distractions. People lay in bed the entire day unable to move, and their surroundings are distracted, twitter timelines, facebook timelines, tragic news on TV. The guests sway into the music, wondering what is wrong with the populace. Politicians try to fix the problems of education, welfare and world peace. Yet people cannot drive between the lines of two lanes. Yes lets play this little game and say all the big words, let’s tell our opinions about stopping world hunger while most of the budget is spent on military and not education and research.

Its been 5 years now, and my hatred for getting a job is still the same. I cannot see a job much like other people do. I don’t think I’ll ever get one. Corporate hierarchies disgust me. So I went into academia, surely researching and discovering things are fun, no? Well it doesn’t seem like it. After all, the wizards and the guest dance in the same room at the end. Academia smells horrible too, maybe that’s where the dumps of the Castle’s toilets go to? A whole pile of useless information, of no creativity and imagination. I mean sure we hear of progress, and yet indeed progress happens, but academia too is guided by its funding, the king has to be pleased with what the wizard’s or oracles say, otherwise they may find themselves executed or banished, isn’t that so? The only good research lies with the outcasts, as has it all been, ground breaking research stems from the ridiculed papers, the people who died loving their ideas but being laughed at. Good ideas aren’t brought up at banquets, but in the recluse of one’s cave or cell. Only gold and alchemy seems glittery enough to discuss in ballrooms. It matches the accessory, the diamond plated masks and jesters most entertaining.

What is hell but a bonfire?

So maybe whats left is to teach. Maybe in that I can have some rest. But who knows, not many learners are around. A blacksmith would forge swords of great strength to aid the knights in battle, but now all they forge is decorative weapons for merchants to sell. They have lost their sharpness. They have lost their integrity. When a real sword clashes these ones, they will be blown away to pieces. But maybe, just maybe some do still want to learn. Who knows?

It pains me that most people, ones I know and don’t know, ones that existed long ago and have yet to exist have to endure these things because people are so busy being distracted rather than focusing on expanding our environment to cater for them. History doesn’t help much, as most people exist in the shadows. But yet these suffer daily, with only recourse to the moon or the long distant sounds of night.

They scream of values: Respect, Loyalty and Friendship and yet they dance unaware of any. Respect is now likely associated with opening a door or not interrupting someone. Loyalty is mostly associated with specific acts and not intentions. Friendship is mostly associated with people that tend to waltz to the same music. My friends have accused me of not being respectful, loyal and not being a good friend. And that’s ok, from what I remember the people who have accused me of loyalty have went behind my back to do the same thing they promote against.

I’m tired, so so tired. I see the ballroom guests tap their glasses, chant maniacal laughter, and drench themselves in wine. While I see the dungeons with people tapping their chains, chant their silent agony behind their iron masks. Sometimes its better to be dead than suffering.

To turn day into night, pleasure into pain, and waltz into requiem

For what is life but a play in which everyone acts a part until the curtain comes down?

- Desiderius Erasmus